The Fruits of Unsowed Reaping and Unplanned Writing

It took me more than a year of planning to finally sit down and write my first draft of something that I am hoping I might actually end up posting. So without thinking too much about it, I am just going to start by answering: Why do I even want a written documentation of my unbearable thoughts and ideas?

And I came up with a few reasons:

I do believe I view the world differently than most people do. And by no means do I mean it in a way that highlights my unique selling point, for the lack of a better term. But I mean it in the sense that these thoughts and perspectives are often met with looks of utter confusion and a kind of sympathetic concern that is attached to someone with some kind of madness they cannot help. And as nice as it is to sometimes stand out, it is isolating to not be met with any feedback whatsoever on the unguided, chaotic mess of your mind. The idea is to be at least told that I am absolutely out of my mind, or maybe validated in my delusions of being a mad genius, or just pointed out that I am simply an attention seeker who needs to find their place. Maybe that was the unconscious design behind this unbelievable task I’ve taken up.

As someone who has willingly isolated my social life, it does become difficult to place myself in a world that offers so many opportunities to belong. Also as someone who has childishly peeked at all the ways I can do so, often engaging with a kind of hubris, as if it is so easy to do so, only to return, every single time, with a defeat that makes it that much more difficult to voice myself and identify myself. And it's taken me over 30 years to just begin finding my voice so how can I at all afford to lose it now? 

In that sense, I guess with this space, all I seek is to be able to find my voice, or just let them all speak, play them all out, and see how I can engage with them and make my life a bit more mad one day at a time.